On March 31 2016, my husband made his earthly transition.  Except for two days in a hospice unit, Cecil spent the last 6 ½ weeks of his life in the hospital, on a respirator, in pain with fever, blood clots in his legs, arms, and probably his brain, and heavily sedated to keep him from instinctively pulling out a tube that connected his windpipe to a respirator.  (even so, he pulled the tube out 3 times.  You see, the tube placement is unnatural and alarming to conscious patients.)

It was not a pretty site but at least he was physically present. And, whenever the doctors and nurses reduced the heavy sedation, we could communicate.  Oh, how I looked forward to these times- to observe him opening his eyes, moving his head up and down and side to side.  Sometimes I would play some of his favorite music on my I Pad.  He would move his head to the beat of the music.  These were happy moments!  To be sure, they were like a breath of fresh air, a sign of hope. As times passed, these joyful times decreased in frequency.  To my dismay, hope faded on March 31 2016.  Yet, even when I felt sad and lonely, faith in the Almighty Sovereign God kept me moving through the tears. As one of my friends would say, Hallelujah anyhow!

After Cecil’s transition, being a reader and a scientist, I try to move through the grief process reading books, staying prayerful, attending church, and going to work.

About two weeks or so after Cecil’s funeral, as I enter the kitchen, I notice that the buffet is lighted. The kitchen buffet contains our wedding gifts including china sets, silverware, silver tea set, crystal, and our 33-year-old wedding cake topper. Why is the buffet lighted?  This made no sense since no one is here but me. And, this had not happened before.   Is there is an electrical shortage somewhere?  There are no other signs of electrical shortages.  So, I turn the light off, shrug my shoulders and move on to something else.

A few weeks later, after a day’s work in our busy clinic, I arrive home, open the door, and to my amazement, the buffet is lighted up again.   I stand in total silence.  A peace seems to fill the room.  Is this Cecil’s spirit?  Whether it is or not, the experience is surreal.  What does this mean? For Cecil, when something unusual or challenging happened, he would ask the Almighty Sovereign God, “What meanest thou this? He believed, there are lessons to be learned especially from “hard life experiences.”

Throughout my grief experience, I depend heavily on books, prayers, and church.  When the buffet lights up again, I find some books on dying and the after-life or the hereafter.  Some writings describe that our loved ones reach out to us after death.  Some writers explain: because they have electromagnetic energy, they can connect with us through electricity.  Reading this, convinces me that when the buffet light is on, Cecil is close by.  Sometimes weeks pass and there is no light and then suddenly I open the door and see the lighted buffet.  I’ve learned to embrace this time as a divine blessing from God with meditation and purposeful prayer.

My birthday celebration one year before Cecil’s transition is one to always remember.   He presented me with the largest bouquet of flowers I had ever seen; the kind of flowers usually seen at a wedding or a funeral.  Plus, he selected not 1, not 2, but 3 birthday cards.  It was a happy day. We took pictures and went to eat at one of our favorite seafood restaurants.

On November 13th, 2016, I celebrated my first birthday without Cecil. Tears poured from my eyes as I re-read my 2015 birthday cards.  Although these were 3 different cards, the theme was the same, thanking me for sharing my life with him.  As I reflected on this present birthday, the 2015 cards seemed to signal that Cecil’s earthly journey was ending.  To help ease the burden of my loss, my dear friend and her three sons treated me to dinner.  Early the next morning, when least expected, I walk into the kitchen and the buffet light is on! Cecil, in spirit, acknowledges my birthday.  UNSPEAKABLE JOY! such a way to end a day I thought would be solemn without Cecil.  What is in store next?  The Almighty Sovereign God gave me a personal quotation long ago that says:  “I don’t know what’s in store for me, but this I do know. God has me in store!”

Seven weeks pass and the buffet does not light up.  In my thoughts, Cecil will probably not be coming back. And, I reason that it really is okay.  He has demonstrated his love to me in the “afterlife” so no big deal.  Despite this reasoning, each day I entered the house, hoping to see the light.  NO LIGHT!  Two weeks before Christmas, Cecil’s son and family call from St Marten in the Caribbean. They would be visiting the States, and ask if they could stay with me for two days.  “Absolutely! I am planning to visit my Aunt in Miami, Florida, but you are more than welcome to stay while I am away.”  They would arrive one day before I returned from my trip.

The day is December 27 2016.  My return flight has landed.  Indeed, there is an air of expectation in my heart because I will be seeing my stepson, Cecil II, his wife, Sheree’, and the children, Jordan, Jaden, and Cecil III without Cecil I.  I open the door from the garage and hear Jaden say: “Mother dear” is hear!  (pronounced Mud-dear). They greet me with warm hugs and kisses.  At about the same time, I look up and see that the buffet light is on!   Amazing, awesome, and wonder.  I ask Cecil II, “how long has the buffet light been on”?  He looks up, shrugs his shoulders, and says he had not noticed the light.  Holding nothing back, I explain that the buffet light is his dad’s way of letting us know he is with us and is very happy.  My heart is filled with abundant joy! Sheree’ starts to cry.  A miracle of miracles.  Cecil, my darling husband shares with us at Christmas- no greater Christmas gift than having the buffet light up for the family to see God blessing us, healing us, and to experience Cecil I living at a higher level of existence.